5 Sexual Mishaps That Are More Common Than You’d Think


What’s your worst-case sexual scenario? Farting? Nah, that happens to everyone every single time they have sex. (RIGHT?!?) How about bursting into tears? Or spontaneously peeing? No matter what it is, trust me, it’s way more common than you think. Hopefully this information will make it slightly less mortifying next time.

5

Lots Of People Cry During Or After Sex

If you’ve ever burst into tears in the middle of perfectly good sex — or even more alarming, had your partner do it — you’re not alone. Hell, just look at the over 400,000 Google results for the precise inquiry “crying during sex,” featuring topics as diverse as “Why crying during sex is so good for you” and “My boyfriend started crying during sex.” Or you can go to Reddit and ask about it, then read through the 90-odd responses of people in the same boat.

It happens for all kinds of reasons, mostly relating to every emotion being heightened while hormones are pumping through your body. Yes, it happens to guys too, though good luck trying to find out how common it is. (I’ve only cried once during sex, and it wasn’t because I was emotionally overwhelmed so much as I knocked a TV on myself and it hurt like only a surprise TV assault can.) Most of what you find in the male category is anecdotal, like this guy who says his orgasms are so cosmically potent that he gets all weepy. Other stories seem more plausible, like this guy finding that physical intimacy is his only chance to let those feelings out.

And then there’s the even more common post-sex crying, which actually has a name: postcoital dysphoria (which does sound better than “jizz tears”). One study showed a whopping 46 percent of women suffer from PCD (if not outright crying, then at least some kind of extreme emotion or agitation). It doesn’t appear they even asked the men, because of course all men’s sexual experiences only involve showing their partner the most kickass 12 minutes of their life before leaving to fight international hitmen.

4

About A Quarter Of Women Have Peed During Sex

Are you familiar with coital incontinence? Neither was I. But it refers to when women pee during sex (if it happens to men, it’s hard to find any evidence of it). In one study, 24 percent of women experienced it, with two-thirds being set off just by the act of sex alone, and the other third losing it upon orgasm. Also, you get nearly 700,000 Google results for “peed during sex.”

Sometimes your insides can’t handle all that jostling around, and the bladder just decides to abandon ship. Then you’re forced to ask Cosmo what happened after the fact. Numerous factors can cause this, such as muscle damage, various medical conditions like diabetes, a UTI, bladder spasms, and even stress during an orgasm. It’s a wonder everyone doesn’t piss during sex.

A popular subgenre of all the pee-related discourse is the debate over whether or not women pee when they ejaculate, which is still the subject of some disagreement. Incidentally, I used to watch a Canadian sex show when I was younger called The Sunday Night Sex Show With Sue Johannson. Sue Johannson was an elderly woman who would address any and every sexual situation with the utmost sincerity. She also once wore a chinstrap dildo on Conan’s Late Night with Tom Selleck and Paul “The Big Show” Wight, because she was above all else a well-rounded entertainer.

She assured me that there was a different fluid at play there, but not everyone agrees, and honestly, why does it matter? Are we trying to shame women over this? Lord knows I can’t account for everything that squirts out of me from one moment to the next.

3

Vomiting Is A Common Danger Of Oral Sex

Most of us want to keep vomit and sex at opposite sides of the gymnasium. Not everyone (God bless you, fetishists), but vomit is generally associated with something going dreadfully wrong. And maybe that’s why no one ever strikes up conversations about oral-sex induced chuffing. But Google has nearly 500,000 results pop up when you search for it. It’s such a common issue that sex advice sites have articles like “How do I not throw up while I give oral?” and “Let’s talk about when you’re giving a blow job and maybe barf,” amongst the thousands of other articles and questions on the topic.

It’s something you’ve probably never seen in a movie (again, unless you specifically searched for it), but it’s dead simple biology. When you force something to the back of your throat, be it a delicious bratwurst or a schlong, you’re going to hit the magic gag reflex button, and out pops lunch.

I recall an experience one night that was preceded by the drinking of several screwdrivers I had mixed myself to help lighten the mood and get us both a little more relaxed. My lady friend had enjoyed three, I think, by the time we got down to brass tacks, and this is the part of the sentence I fill with mundane details before tactfully avoiding the orange-juice-filled deluge that soon followed. So I know it can happen, is my point, and also why people aren’t eager to talk about it. “Have you puked while suckin’ dick?” is not a question you can easily bring into even the most intimate of sex surveys very easily.

So most of the articles online that deal with it are anecdotal, personal stories, or tips on how to avoid it, which essentially boils down to either training your gag reflex or not poking it in the first place, maybe by putting your fist in between your craw and the base of that thing.

2

Yes, Anal Can Make Poop Appear

Butt stuff is enjoying an unprecedented period of acceptance these days. Good for you, butts and stuff. But there are two serious fears holding it back: fear of pain and fear of the dreaded leakage, if the 5.2 million results for this query are any indication. That includes the 88,000 that are for the specific search “poop during anal.”

In terms of how common it is, hard numbers are difficult to come by, but it’s a common enough question that Women’s Health set up a helpful page about running afoul of a turd, and how to handle it. Elite Daily even compiled an anthology of ass-related mayhem to let you know you’re not alone.

There’s also helpful advice out there that often amounts to making sure you hose down the shed before entry, try not to do it after Taco Tuesday, and keep in mind the dimensions of the mail slot before trying to force a package in there. What’s happening is the guy’s penis is, well, kind of scooping that stuff out. If you go deep enough, there’s a chance it will happen, because you’re having sex with a human and not a robot or anime girl. And if you didn’t know that the ass is where a lot of people store that sort of material, I’m glad I could help out.

1

Sex Injuries Are Anything But Rare

When I was in high school, there was an infamous story in my group of friends about an acquaintance of ours who, in the midst of sex with his girlfriend, tore his foreskin asunder like a bodybuilder tearing a phone book in half. And we treated this like a story of someone encountering the Loch Ness monster at a Denny’s — one in a million dicks. But it turns out sexual injuries are way more common than most of us realize, with one in five people bonking their heads while boinking, 5 percent of people injuring themselves so badly that they had to take time off work, and 2 percent of people breaking actual goddamned bones.

The most common sex injuries seem to be typical stuff, like pulled muscles with back injuries and carpet burns. A third of people admitted to some kind of injury, and 4 in 10 copped to damaging their own property (averaging a couple hundred dollars in damage, so keep that in mind next time you try to have sex near your fine China). And then we get into sex toys, which send a couple thousand people to the emergency room every year — or at least, that’s how many admit it (yes, the 50 Shades franchised doubled the occurrence of those tragedies). Oh, and it’s estimated that about 11,000 Americans a year die during sex. So maybe you should revise your conception of a worst-case sexual scenario accordingly.

Ian Fortey has settled his score with Saran Wrap, and is free to peruse Twitter as the victor.

Please don’t ask what Fortey was doing with Saran Wrap.

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